
Terraforming for Dummies: Chapter 17 - Populating Your Planet

Your crops are growing, your shelter is sheltering. But gee, all this wide-open space...dont things seem a little...empty?

Oh no! You forgot the most important ingredient: people!

Studies show that 90% of colony ships arrive with low population counts. Maybe a hull breech vented half of your ship into space. Maybe chest-bursting aliens hunted you to extinction. Or maybe you got a liiiitle too interested in those holosims and forgot to talk to a girl once in a while.

No worries, chums! This chapter will acquaint you with a vital task that every single one of your ancestors completed successfully: makin babies.

For many, babies come automatically. But for those who need a little help, Terranova offers a full line of products to put the spring in offspring:

 <strong>Fertil-o-blast!:</strong> Struggling to keep up fertility levels in the face of relentless interstellar radiation? A few sprays of Fertil-o-blast! will turn your barren and dusty wombs into a veritable garden of plenty. Now available in mint! Note: excess use may result in quadruplets, heptuplets, or quindecuplets.

 <strong>Automa-nanny:</strong> The latest automaton technology, licensed straight from Big O! When youre too busy toiling in sodium mines or fighting gigantic space ants to raise a family, Automa-nanny has your back! Comes with eight all-new discipline modes: Permissive, Strict, Attachment Parenting, Hippie, Post-Hippie, Shame-based, Ultra-Shame-Based, and Feral Animal.

 <strong>You Want Me to Put That Where?? - An Instructional Guide:</strong> For colonists who lack an understanding of the particulars, this holopamphlet has step-by-step instructions that are guaranteed to generate additional humans. Includes fold-out diagrams, try-it-yourself exercises, and a full dictionary of bodily secretions.

<strong>Frequently Asked Questions:</strong>

<strong>Q:</strong> Your amazing Terranova-brand products were a little TOO helpful! Now our planet is crawling with people, and theyre eating all of our food! How do we get rid of them?

<strong>A:</strong> Terranova offers a full line of contraceptive solutions guaranteed to bring your birth rates back in line. Or, if you need a more immediate solution, try starting a war! Even minor skirmishes have proven time and again to be an effective mechanism for population control.

<strong>Q:</strong> Help! Were eagerly attempting to populate our planet, but the babies just arent happening!
<strong>A:</strong> Check for these common mistakes:

 Are you following ALL of the steps in the instructional guide? You have to do the gross ones too, or it wont work.

 Are all members of your colony the same gender due to gender-specific virus/extreme war atrocities/amazonianism? Next time, try to keep at least one member of the opposite gender alive.

 Make sure you are only attempting reproduction with authentic human beings.

<strong>Q:</strong> I am the last person alive on the planet. Can I still populate it?
<strong>A:</strong> No. Terranova currently does not carry any asexual reproduction products Check back soon! You will die alone. However, you will experience little to no nagging while doing so!

Congrats! You are now well-equipped with the necessary knowledge and products to generate those babies! <strong>Note:</strong> Before using what youve learned, we strongly recommend reviewing Chapter 18: Keeping Children Alive. 

